The Vision Quest (Part 4)

Ok, it’s been a long time since I wrote. Life changed rapidly and also got pretty busy. Nothing like some Christmas downtime to put your thoughts to paper.

Let me continue…

So here I was, chilling in my hammock, in the rain, somewhere in the Yorkshire Dales. My tarp was keeping me sufficiently dry.  But I could definitely be warmer. I contemplated heading back to the car to grab some more layers. Instead, I decided to sit with the slight uncomfortableness of the chill. I certainly wasn’t going to get hypothermia. And sometimes in life, things get uncomfortable and we can’t do anything about it. We can warrant these feelings with a negative reaction or accept them as they are. Everything in modern society is high demand and instant gratification,  it is good to strip it back and be humble sometimes.

It rained all day. And I just sat. I breathed and I watched the trees and listened to the rain. Simple. I didn’t have loads of thoughts running through my head. Occasionally, a thought imagining what it would be like to eat after 72hrs would creep in. But overall, it was almost an effort to try and think something up. Was the time to pass slow or fast, I had no idea. I thought I would be writing furiously in my journal on things that would come up but that didn’t happen either.

What I did do was read through my journal. And what I noticed was a pattern. I reflected on this pattern. We always have a choice, I know this, but at that point, it really resonated with me. Actions and thoughts can always be changed. I know my mind can be like a stuck record, the same thing going around and around. Sometimes, we have the knowledge but need to experience it to understand it. Now, I can identify when I am stuck in an old pattern and I have the power to choose not to be.

Suddenly, something in me went “I choose not to be here anymore” and with that, I was packing up and travelling home. At home, in the dry and warm, I meditated for an hour. This was followed by a 12-hour sleep.  The third day, still fasting, my energy was very low and I was happy that I had made the decision to come home early. I sat in noble silence for the day.

I had already decided in the days before how I would break fast. It was with a glass of pineapple juice and a slice of buttered malt loaf. Very random. But my friend had told me about when he had done a 72-hour fast and in a shaky state, a glass of orange juice had picked him up again. Stood in the supermarket, I was analysing the labels of orange and pineapple juice. Making the decision on the fact that pineapple juice has a higher sugar content than the orange and actually I like it more. I saw a single serve of Soreen malt loaf and decided that it was more solid than the juice, but still, plenty of carbohydrates and some butter for extra fat energy but also soft to chew and small enough that I wouldn’t want to gorge on it.

I consumed my random selection of food and beverage and waited as I felt the energy returning to my body. I was priming myself for the food that I was most looking forward to eating. Again, another random choice (for some), porridge. This is what I had missed eating so much. I could literally live off eating porridge. After the juice and malt loaf, I made myself wait 90 minutes before eating again so that I could fully enjoy it without being desperate to eat and cause any stomach discomfort. A small serving of porridge made with peanut butter and maple syrup. It was heaven. Savouring the small meal, I was grateful. Grateful that I actually live in a place of abundance and am able to eat every day. Grateful that I can find joy in simple pleasures.

Returning to my day-to-day life, people wanted to hear my story. I tell them, there were no fireworks. To some, it may seem mundane, but nothing happened. That is the beauty of my experience. I was able to “just be”. A place of pure presence. The whole point of existence. I felt humility and gratitude. But also I felt a little fire light inside me. I am stronger, more courageous. I can do anything. And so my adventure continues…

Tobeawarrior x

The Vision Quest (Part 3)

Okay, so where was I up to? Ah yes, I’ve planned and prepped and now I was ready to begin. My last meal before fasting was at 3pm on Friday. I made it a biggun! Very high fat and I enjoyed it thoroughly. That evening I went to a Kundalini Yoga workshop where we focused on our “Soul Purpose”. I thought this was the perfect way to start my vision fast as one of the reasons to carry out a vision fast/quest is to find your purpose in life.

The next day when I woke up my first thought was “I’ll just make breakfast”. Er, no I won’t. “I’ll just make lunch”. Nope not that either. It made me realise how much of my life revolves around food. I wasn’t even that hungry, it just seemed to be a go-to habit and a conditioning to eat at certain times.

I was all packed and ready to go but had another yoga workshop to attend before setting off. Getting ready to leave after the workshop I did just think “What the f*ck am I doing?” “Just go home, stay warm, eat some yummy food”. But I’ve got this far, I’m gonna do it. By the time I got to my spot I was happy I didn’t back out. It felt right being there.

I did the whole ritual thing on arrival. The Quest book gives all the details on how to do this. First I set up my medicine wheel (a protective circle made around my sacred spot). I collected stones (asking their permission to be moved and made into my medicine wheel) placing them in east, south, west and north corners. I then added a few more stones as well as twigs, feathers, berries, leaves and even a mushroom. I “washed” myself in sage and cleansed the circle. I only entered and exited from the east as that is the beginning of the wheel relating to the direction of sunrise. On entering the circle, I took time to centre myself, breathing in each direction and using visualisation to draw in energy.

I then set up my hammock and tarp and settled in for the night. I had felt slightly nervous before going, it’s funny the stories your mind can make up in your head. I just had to not listen to them and know that I was completely safe. It wasn’t the best nights sleep but I didn’t actually feel that tired to be honest. The moon was so bright too (it was the night before full moon) and was like someone had a light on in the trees. Which was amazing (I’m definitely a “look at the moon” kinda person)!

To be continued…..

Tobeawarrior x

The Vision Quest (Part 2)

So I know you’re all anxiously waiting to hear how my vision quest/fast went (good news, I’m still alive) but part 2 is gonna talk you through the preparation stage first.

Obviously one of my random internet searches had brought my attention to vision fasts and various programmes you can pay to attend. After discussion with a friend they basically said “so you pay this money to people for them not to feed you or give you any accommodation, sounds like a good way to make money”.  Hmm, maybe you’re right, I can do this on my own.

[Searches internet] A few YouTube videos later and reading of the book “Quest: A guide for creating your own vision quest; Denise & Meadow Linn” determines I can indeed carry out my own vision fast.

I start journaling and writing about my intentions for my quest. But where the heck was I going to find my sacred spot in nature? [More internet searching]. This time Googling sacred wells in Yorkshire (as you do). I find one that is written about in a text that makes it sound magical. It doesn’t come up on Google maps but has reference to some ordnance survey co-ordinations. [More internet searching] This time trying to figure out how to use these co-ordinations. I download an OS app. Cool, I figure I can find it and set out a days adventure.

The walk up the hill feels good, right even. Between using my Google and OS maps I see I am getting close. I take a right down a track and a deer crosses my path. It is quiet and the story of the well location so far seems accurate. Ah, the well! But nothing like my imagination or the story would have me believe it to be. Nice view though. Back to the search for THE spot.

On the walk back another deer crosses my path. This time, this one stopped to stare at me before running into the bushes. Decision made. I will follow the deer. I didn’t have to go too far before I found my space. A small clearing with two trees perfectly positioned for me to hang my hammock. It felt cosy, homely. Awesome, what a success to find my spot so easily.

Those who know me know that I am one of those hangry sort of people. So a 72 hour fast was a big ask. I decided to opt for a ketogenic diet (high fat, very low carb) the week before the fast so that I was already glycogen depleted and fat adapted, which would hopefully reduce any hunger/carb cravings I may have. I also tried to eat in excess the few weeks before to put on some weight to account for what I might lose (I wasn’t successful in doing this but it wasn’t without trying). Apologies to those who only have to sniff some butter to put on weight, but I was literally chomping on blocks of cheese and spooning the peanut butter in.

I cut out all caffeine a few days before D-Day. It was already going to be a challenge without having to deal with any potential withdrawals and headaches. Luckily I’m not that much of an addict to notice the difference of going without but I wasn’t taking any chances.  A lot of water we consume in the day comes from food so I made sure I stocked up on some electrolytes too.  This would ensure better hydration than water alone and also help to avoid nasty headaches.

Packing list: Layers (the forecast was cold & rain), hammock, tarp, sleeping bag, water, electrolytes, journal/pen, quest book (for reference), torch, baby wipes, rubbish bag, sage (for smudging  and cleansing my sacred space obvs), emergency Lucozade, small shovel, scissors, extra string. Wow! So much STUFF!* This was more than I was expecting for a minimalist expedition.

That’s it then. I’m ready. Let’s do this.

To be continued…..

Tobeawarrior x

*I hate stuff. I’m continuously trying to de-stuffocate. I want to live a simple, minimal life. But I always seem to have so much of it. I’m currently preparing to move into a small van and this is certainly going to limit the amount of STUFF I have. But this is another story to be told…


This was the magical sacred well I had read about, the view from the well and my hammock tress. These were taken on my first expedition to the location. I didn’t have my phone turned on to take any pictures of my set up, though I wish I had.

The Vision Quest (Part 1)

This weekend I am preparing to go on a solo vision quest. Well at least my version of it. Vision quests more specifically relate to Native American rites of passage.  Vision Fast is a more appropriate name to use to differentiate between the two and out of respect to the indigenous culture and ceremonial practices. Retreat in nature, 72hr fast, whatever you call it, it is less about the name and more about the intention.

“Sorry, what are you doing?”

In short, I will retreat into nature with little more than water, my hammock and my journal for 72hrs.

“And why are you doing this?”

The answer to most things could be “Why not?” or “because I can”.

But my main reasons for it are that I am currently undertaking my yoga teaching training qualification. We are writing an essay of our choice and I wish to explore the effects of fasting and retreat on spiritual practice. This is not a new concept, fasting and retreat feature in many religions and traditions throughout time. I want to investigate areas of pain/discomfort, attachment, intention, absence/abundance, sympathy/empathy, gratitude/gratification, sensory deprivation, inward reflection and connection. It is a balance of yin in a very yang world. And as well as providing me with primary research for my essay, it is essentially an experiment on my “journey of self”.

Some people think it sounds crazy. But when you think about it, many people spend an entire weekend drinking and eating crap food. How is that any less crazy? It’s probably more crazy in fact, we’ve just accepted it as the norm. Just another example of social conditioning/programming. But there are no rules to life. We don’t have to all fit in the same box. I’m daring to step out of the box and my comfort zone. I want to figure my own life out, for myself.

Also, I studied a degree in nutrition and the scientist in me is interested in the health effects of fasting and potential benefits to the immune system. In my studies we looked a lot at food and it’s symbolism, it’s part in religion and culture, status, emotion but never the withdrawal of food.

I literally have no idea how I will react or what will come up, whether I will last the whole 72hrs or anything. It might be the best experience of my life, maybe the worst or perhaps just a neutral. But I’m curious. And that is good enough for me. Stay tuned for part 2 to see how it went.

Tobeawarrior x



I don’t have a television

When I mention to people that I don’t have a television the response I often get is “no me neither, I just use my laptop and watch Netflix”. Okay, well I use my computer to do work stuff and study and now a tool for writing my blog. I think I’ve watched about 4 films online this year. I’ve not watched a single episode of Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, Walking Dead or whatever popular TV series there are.

I went out with a guy a number of years ago who didn’t have a TV and it was cool. We actually had to talk to each other and come up with other ways to be social and interact. He did have a projector and so it was an occasion when we put it up and decided on a film to watch together. Then one day he bought this ridiculously huge television and every evening became this monotonous routine. It sucked but was also so easy to get sucked in (maybe that was the beginning of the end of our relationship. That and he was a jerk).

After we split and I lived on my own, I didn’t even notice I didn’t have TV. People would ask me how I managed to do so much. I think the answer is easy, don’t have a TV! But it’s crazy because sometimes I think I don’t do enough (on reflection I know this is not true). Admittedly I probably spend too much time on Instagram and researching crap on the internet (I definitely know too much about compost toilets; don’t ask!). But I’m completely scared of not living life. There is so much to do and see in the world. I want an experiential existence.

We can be whoever we want to be and learn to do ANYTHING we want to do.  Today I saw a video of a girl doing a scorpion handstand, on a moving skateboard, shoot a target using bow and arrow with her feet! WTAF? I mean, if I wanted to learn that, I COULD! What you think you can create. It’s about using the universal energy to manifest what we want. My sister always says I’m the luckiest person she knows but I’ve just been tapping into the magic that is available to us all. I’m still learning of course but I know others who are exceptionally good at this.

So I went from television to manifestation, random. I don’t really have a set idea for these blogs just letting the words come out. You can read for hours on the internet about manifestation but the other week I was “testing” the universe; I asked for ladybirds. A couple of days later my front porch was filled with them. Then they were gone and haven’t been there since.

In my journey to “find my self” I’m hoping to increase my powers too. Our external world tells us too often that you “can’t do this, you can’t do that or you aren’t good enough”. I know this is not true of course but I really have to learn to BELIEVE what I know. My conditioning has planted a few negative seeds and I’ve got to weed them out. Even now there are people that put negativity on what I’m doing in life (sorry dad, but at this point in life I have a 100% survival rate and you should know that it is all going to work out better than expected).

Anyway, it’s the weekend which means I got more stuff to go out and learn and experience, no sitting on the couch watching TV for me.

Tobeawarrior x

Note: The photo was taken from my van watching the rain on the windows, or what I called my “television”

You can follow my journey in pictures:




The Journey Begins

I’ve been asked twice this week if I write a blog. I guess that means that some people are vaguely interested in my life and it’s stories, and perhaps that I should in fact, start writing a blog. So here it is.

On deciding that I would write a blog, I suddenly felt like I had so much to say and many words wanted to spew out but in no particular sense. What to write? How to say it? At which point in the story do I start?

The answer is simple. Start here and now. That is all there ever is. Words which resonate in my mind from the book “Way of the Peaceful Warrior” by Dan Millman. One of my favourite books and also where “tobeawarrior” stems from. It’s a spiritual tale of Dan on the path to becoming a peaceful warrior. The journey to presence and unreasonable happiness. It is understanding that all fear, anger, guilt, sorrow, envy, cravings and plans exists only in the past or future.

You see, right now I am on an awfully cliche “spiritual” journey. I want to be a [peaceful] warrior and live wholly here and now. But it isn’t as simple as that. I am human. This means that I have been conditioned into the person I am today through the people I’ve met and the world I live in. Not all ideas and beliefs are my own. I need to “find myself” and strip away everything I have learnt so that all my truths are able to shine through and I can exist as “I am”.

The blog might just be another tool to help me on my journey of [new] self discovery (and old self destruction). And maybe also a piece of inspiration to help others on theirs (we are all students and teachers). Whatever it is or will be, I hope you enjoy the ride as much as I am.

Tobeawarrior x